A Force To Be Reckoned With
What life is really like with an Auto Immune Disease.
PSA: This blog post is unapologetically based on the first-hand accounts of my life and journey navigating through the past decade with an Auto Immune Disease (AID).
I spent a majority of the last ten years denying that something was actually wrong with me; blaming myself for being overweight or lazy or unmotivated, when it was actually symptoms of my body attacking itself. I certainly never thought about it like that. Honestly, I just never really thought about any of it. I would take my prescription pills and mind my business, until it got to the point that I became so educated and aware that the only option was to take matters into my own hands.
Why didn’t I want to talk about it for a really long time?
First of all, there was nothing to talk about. I guess I subconsciously avoided looking into it because I was not ready to know what was happening in my own body. I was concerned with teenager stuff, and then college, and then hustling so hard to make ends meet in NYC that I could barely afford groceries. So no, at that point in my life I was not ready to see specialists, or eat organic, or buy natural products, etc. I was barely getting by and I think as protection to my mental health, I did not make the decision to investigate what was truly happening internally, when I could barely take care of myself externally. As long as the doctor was not concerned, I was not concerned.
Obviously every Auto Immune Disease (AID) is different. Everyone endures notably individual symptoms, and at varying degrees. Even on a personal level, someone may have a completely unique experience with their disease on any given day. I know it’s not Cancer. It’s not an amputated limb. It’s not fatal. It’s not “the worst” thing that could happen. I am tremendously grateful that I have been able to continue living my life without other people knowing that I was sick, for the most part, especially not until recently when I chose to begin voicing it.
I did not start talking about it for pity or for special treatment or as an excuse. I started vocalizing it to allow myself to heal. If I want half a shot at healing my thyroid, then the first step is admitting that I have something to heal. I completely understand that it is not the worst thing in the world and I am beyond lucky to have the ability to continue living with minimal disturbance. It's not about that. It is definitely not about whose disease is worse or more important or life altering because damn - no one wants to win that award. Each individual human can only claim a level of adversity regarding their AID in relation to personal past experiences, but how you feel is how you feel, and no one can take that away from you or deny your truth in that moment.
I am writing this to connect with other individuals going through similar experiences, and to let them know that,
It is going to be okay.
You will handle it,
if and when you want to,
by using whatever means you see fit.
I spent countless years believing that these symptoms I was experiencing were a figment of my creative imagination, that they were all in my head. I am a very logical thinker and you cannot really prove most symptoms to be black and white. In my experience, a minimal number of AID symptoms flourish externally, and something such as gaining weight could easily be accredited to numerous other factors in life.
I see you.
I hear you.
Your symptoms are very valid.
These are all things I wish someone had told me, or I wish I had stumbled upon in a blog about 5 years ago. So this is my mark on the internet for anyone needing to hear those words.
I think there was also a huge ego aspect to it. I did not want anyone to know I ‘had a disease’ because that sounds so scary. I wanted to be looked at as healthy and lively even when I did not feel that way. I took pride in my bubbly, always-happy personality, and dreaded the idea of losing that reputation.
For as long as I can remember, I eagerly strived to be the hardest worker in the room, even if that meant working 500% harder than everybody else while one system in my body tried to destroy another. There was definitely a selfish aspect to my denial of an autoimmune condition. I loved being described as strong and hardworking and happy. For a long time this took priority over genuinely taking care of myself and telling the truth when someone asked “How are you today?” I am now learning that just because I have a bad day, or my hormones decide to go ape shit or my thyroid decides to stop sending signals for my metabolism to work, my heart to beat, my hair to grow and my body temperature to regulate - that does not make me any less strong or hardworking or happy.
It’s actually quite the opposite.
I become a force to be reckoned with for getting out of bed on those days when it feels impossible, and showing up for myself, as well as for everyone else in my life who depends on me. It makes my work ethic even stronger to pull up and “make up” for my lack of energy or drive or motivation. And it definitely makes me happier, maybe not in that instant; but when those moments of misery fade I am able to have a much greater appreciation for a body that works. Getting through my typical day feels light years easier when my thyroid numbers are in an optimal range, and I can appreciate it because I know what the latter feels like.
Again, I’m not trying to say pity me - please don’t. I am writing this to say that my door is open - my email, my inbox, or my dm, for anyone who thinks that no one in their life will get it or they will think you are just complaining, because that’s what I thought… but I was wrong (yes, for anyone who knows me I just admitted I was wrong lol). The more I opened up about it all, the more the universe conspired to unveil this connection with an abundant quantity of people already in my life experiencing very similar happenings on their own journeys.
My truth, in all it entails, is valid in relation to my experience. I may not have a life threatening disease, but as of now I still have Hashimoto’s Hypothyroidism Disease and am intentionally working every day to heal the only body that I’ve got!
XO #ExWel