Doing The Best We Can

I just moved back to New York City after an incredible adventure in Los Angeles.

As I am creating my life here, it is beyond apparent how much of a chicken without a head I was running around these streets so many years ago. I cringe at the choices I made, the priorities I set and the lifestyle that I thought was beneficial towards reaching my goals.

Last time I lived here I was freshly 21 (and having way too much fun), two-weeks out of college and pursuing a career as a professional dancer, even though I am not quite sure that I knew what it meant. I was on my own for the first time in the wildest city with endless possibilities and while my dreams were so big, my direction was vastly uncertain. 

To me, back then, “being healthy” meant skipping meals. Exercise consisted of dance classes and walking around the city. I was too poor to even look at a Whole Foods, nonetheless walk into one. I often spent what little money I did have on tequila shots instead of dinner. And sleep… oh god. I was lucky if I got 4 hours. The best part is how dumbfounded I remember being about the fact that I was (in the most loving way) fat, poor and exhausted.

Here I am, almost 6 years later, sitting on the fire escape of my very own apartment, with an acai bowl and my laptop thinking ‘how did I even get here?’ just kidding. I can tell you exactly how I got here. Every twist, turn, hump, lump and redirection led me to dreams that had not even been dreamt yet. 

Will I look back in another six years and have similar condemning thoughts about my choices? …it's possible. But at least I know that this time I made choices with wholehearted intention. 

In spite of all that, I now understand that just as I have learned to meet other people where they are at, and hold a nonjudgemental space for them, I have to do the same for myself. I have to meet myself where I am at on any given day. Being such a creature of habit, I am learning to accept that my needs and abilities may fluctuate drastically. A downward slope one day does not automatically equal failure, just as a massive acceleration does not permanently mean success. We do the best we can until we know better, and then when we know better we can do better. 

That being said, if we know better and then choose not to do better - that’s on you boo.

XO EXWEL